2009, man what a year. Lots of ups and tons of downs. It flew by pretty quickly, it doesn't even seem like that long ago it was September. But yeah, this is something I've been thinking out for the past 3 weeks on my walks to work. I may not cover everything I planned to, but eh. This might end up being a rather lengthy post, and might be really honest. I'm not sayin' but I'm sayin'.

If you feel like skipping to a specific part of the post, you are welcome to click on the links here and they will take you to said part. They will also give you a clue about what I'm going to cover. If you spend time to read through all of this though, I will love you forever. I'm not joking.

Entering 2009
Work
Pasttimes/Hobbies/Interests
Social Life, Friends, and etc.
Anime Expo 2009
Relationships/Love Life & Interests
Personal Outlook
Random Shiznit
Goals & Desires for 2010
End of 2009

Entering 2009
The end of 2008 was really bad for me. My girlfriend of almost 3 years had just dumped me, starting a new life in Florida became just a ruined dream (and all that fucking effort that went into it), I was being threatened to get kicked out of the house, I didn't qualify for financial aid yet again for college, I lost my job, etc. You know, complete shit. I was a really depressed guy, I had lost all forms of direction and optimism. I became extremely secluded, not leaving my room sometimes for days on end. I tried to talk to people but it just seemed I would feel so disgusted and stressed around them so I just gave up. I started the year just being in my room, being counterproductive, a real hikikomori. I'll touch up a bit on later as to why I chose to exclude myself from the world in the Personal Outlook part.

After a couple of months of sulking and sitting in my own depression I met a girl, eventually grew to love her and started dating her. That's about the time I figured out I was being silly by clinging on to despair so I started to slowly grow out of my hiki ways and got back into the world. That's not to say I went through a lot this year.

Work
I've actually only held 2 jobs this year, both pretty arduous.

My first job was an under the table type of deal at the Renaissance Fair. I was literally a target for a stand. Basically, I had to run around on a stage and dodge tennis balls. Sound simple? Well, it was pretty gruesome at times. These tennis balls were being shot out of air-pressure cannons at the speed of holy fuck. Some of the cannons packed some extra power, to the point where if you got hit by a tennis ball you were guaranteed a nice bruise no matter what. There were 7 cannons in all, and whenever all cannons were taken, it became pretty damn tough to avoid getting hit. Even so, I was pretty agile. Another factor that sucked was the sun, it sometimes got to be 100° F and I would have to be running around in the sun like that for a couple hours without stopping.

(Pic is a perfect depiction of work. Thanks Zer0 for making it... >_>) I was working with my girlfriend of the time, so it wasn't as bad as it could have been. I hated most of the fair folk though, they ALL acted like conceited prima donnas. It was like being in drama club or some shit, everyone was so full of themselves and trying to be the best "actor." There was tons of drama with them, and even I got dragged into it when my ex started doing stupid shit at fair. You see, the other guys would always be hitting on her, but she wouldn't even say that she was taken or try to shoo them away. Instead she would just let them keep at it even when I told her that it was starting to bother me. That probably sounds like I'm a bitch or something, but when you figure guys are like holding her and trying to kiss her every day and she just lets them even after I tell her about it, something's gotta bug me right? Her ex worked there too and I kept telling her to stop caring about him since he really treated her like shit. She wouldn't listen to me. More on this later in the relationship section though, I become a RL troll and destroy him. Makes for a great story! :D

Anyways, it was a tiring job, didn't pay much, but a job was a job. I got hit tons of times, but it's inevitable. I got shot in the face about 3 times, once in the throat and once in the balls. Getting shot at in the balls isn't fun AT ALL, I felt that blow for the rest of the day. Shit was not good :l Some chick who worked there was telling me I needed to get hit more (because I was a good dodger and apparently that didn't piss people off) and also take hits in the balls here and there. Seriously, only a female would say something retarded like that. I'm not getting shot in the balls and going into agonizing pain for a day for 8 bucks an hour, fuck you bitch.

Cool stuff about this job? Well if I actually enjoyed the Ren Fair, I could get in for free. I could buy beer and walk around and drink and shit. My boss was really awesome. Some very... interesting people. There was also this dragon moving statue that had a built in microphone speaker. I asked the guy if I could mess around with it for a while. I was doing gutterals on it and growling stuff, it was fucking hilarious.

FedEx is a job I got a lot later, back at the start of November. I'm still working here. This job is just tiring. They put me on the unload sort as a starter. So basically, trucks come in and we unload them by going into the trucks and dropping the packages onto the rollers which are on the center of the floor of the truck. The packages go down the roller (unless they're really bad, then we have to be constantly pushing them on the rollers) and they go onto the belt which takes them somewhere else in the building for the loaders/scanners to take care of. Packages weigh around 10-13 Kg (20-30ish pounds) on average. These aren't a problem and aren't too heavy. We do get smaller packages which weigh under 10 pounds. You'd think that would be a good thing, but it sucks having tons of these because it usually means there's TONS and you can mostly only move one at a time. Then there's heavier stuff which weigh into the 20+ Kg (45 lbs.) category and these become really heavy. It's not uncommon to get shit that weighs over 45 Kg (100 lbs.) either. These become a problem when you get them in the belly. Believe or not, most 30 ft. cargo trucks have 2 floor levels. You walk in and unload the truck and then you think you're done, but the floor has flaps that you push up and suddenly there's more boxes, fuuuuuuck. It's very tiring, it took me 2 weeks to get used to the labor.

I think the worst part of the job is the fact that I have to walk there. It would make sense if the distance was small and if it wasn't at 2 AM in the morning. You can click on the pic on the right here to get a feel of what I have to walk. I walk from point A to the red dot for the bus. That's a bit over a mile, no biggy. So then I ride said bus to point B and walk all the way to point C. Point B > Point C is roughly 4 miles, 5.5 if I take the long turn where the 2 red dots are on the left (since sometimes we start a bit later and the bus only passes until 1:30 AM). The whole distance itself is about 9 miles. I've missed the bus before and had to walk of that shit, took me 2 hours and I had to walk at the speed of fuck yeah.

The walk itself from point B to point C can be fun, or really depressing. It usually takes 1 hour if I walk the regular way, 1 hour and 40 minutes if I walk the long way. I always take my iPod with me as to keep my sanity, but there was a week where I had to not take it with me (someone stole shit from work). It wasn't that bad, but the silence makes you really lonely. The streets themselves are vacant. Cars pass by every once in a while, but not that many. I have walked all the way to work once with NO cars, that was a very interesting feeling as if I was the last person on Earth alive. Some of the fun that I'm getting used to is being able to sing and yell all I want when I go the long way since it's just office building and huge parking lots. Even then I still feel a bit shy to do so >_> Sometimes the walk is really depressing, due to having spurs of strange loneliness. I'm guessing it's because I find night time to be romantic, and not being able to know I can share it with someone just makes me feel alone. It doesn't happen often and goes away as soon as I get home, but yeah. I've witnessed a meteor shower on the way to work too, that was a beautiful experience.

The guys at work are intimidating at first since a lot of them are hooligans. But once you get to talk to them you get to appreciate everyone at work. These guys are fucking hilarious, I'm always laughing at work. We also play basketball and ping pong (because we have both at work... >.>) during break and sometimes after work.

I get payed okay, I started out at $10.85 an hour which is better than the minimum wage. I already got a raise and should be getting another one soonish. We start getting benefits in January, which means new glasses! The only downside is that we only work on average 15-20 hours a week. Which is fine, we did work for 7 hours once and that was BRUTAL.

Pasttimes/Hobbies & Interests
It's hard to be specific. I grew to love anime and music a lot more this year. My creative juices kind of died down in terms of making things (thanks for being a bitch, Photoshop. Nothing could fix you), though I did pick up vectoring towards the end of the year and made a really nice vector of Hinagiku which also got a thumbs up from my /w/ brethren for being really good for a first timer.

I also became really engrossed by the internet. I became a hell of a forumer this year, joining lots of forums. I made accounts on Last.fm, My Anime List, Facebook, this blog, and started uploading videos on my Youtube as well.

Musically speaking, I can say I expanded my tastes, discovered lots of new bands and artists too. My love for classical piano arrangements also exploded, as it also did for progressive deathcore, vocal trance, and drum and bass. One of the biggest problems though is my carpal tunnel getting really bad this year. Because of it I had to give up on piano. Every time I would practice for more than 20 minutes my hands and wrists would just kill me. Eventually this extended to guitar too. Though I feel as long as I don't strain my hands too much I can at least pick that up again sometime next year. But otherwise, I'm pleased with what I have and have found this year. Especially too since I have found someone who can recommend me music that I will enjoy (Thank you, it means more to me than we both probably think. You know who you are~).

Walking became a hell of a past time for me. At first it wasn't by choice, but nowadays if I can walk there, I do it. I always take my MP3 player with me too. Seems like without it, walking isn't the same kind of experience. It's so funny that this is coming from a lazy person. Walking became a way for me to think and to get rid of stress. I do enjoy it on especially nice evenings, but I will probably cut back a bit on it once it starts getting hot again. I'm pretty sure even if I had a car I would still walk tons.

4chan (o fukk) became a site I would visit constantly every day. I'd spend lots of time on it, but eventually just kind of grew stale. Stale for the first time in 4 years. So I stopped going on /b/ and started focusing more and more on the other boards such as /w/ and /jp/. Eventually I stumbled onto /a/ and even though everyone there is an opinionated asshole and a troll, I grew to love it.

Still playing WoW, it's been about a year when October hit. Got lots of shit done in the past couple months since I joined a raiding guild, feels good man. Still, after a while raiding just bores me. I love some of my guildies, but a lot of them just... ugh. It's always HURDUR STUPID DPS HURRR FUCKING MAGES UUURFFF WUT U SEI, I PLAY PERFECT I NO MAKE MISTAKES U JUST SUKK L2P. It gets really stupid after a while.

Social Life, Friends and etc.
I don't know where to start this one. Well like mentioned before, for the first couple of months of 2009 I didn't interact with anyone. Even the folks on VCC, I just didn't feel like being around anyone. I would force myself to do it because I'm these people's friend, but it just took way too much energy.

Skipping past this though, I've met a lot of new people, mostly towards the end of the year. A lot of good people, both through the internet and in real life. Some of these guys I already really enjoy being around or talking to. I've met at least 2 people who I just really hit it off with, which is awesome. Know that whether it's RL or the internet, I love you all and really treasure it to the heart that you are my friends and that you spend even the smallest amount of effort talking to me or hanging out. You guys mean lots to me and I wouldn't sell any of you out for a basket of tamales. Sappy and corny? Hell yes. But just know that it means a lot. Let's keep being bros, ya? ♥

Socially speaking, I'm still pretty shy but I have noticed that towards the second half of the year I have become a lot more open with people which is pretty neat. I always say stupid things and make people laugh, I love that. I don't hesitate as much as I used to either. People will still say I'm really quiet, but I'm just the guy who appreciates the crowd from the back. I just like being part of the moment. I need to work on being the center of it every now and then, it wouldn't hurt, ne?

I still have to work on talking to cute/attractive chicks though. Even when it's not me crushing on them or something like that, they make me fumble everything... >_>

Anime Expo 2009
You might be asking why I'm bothering to make a section for this. Well, every year for the past 3 years I have been attending this expo with my best friends, friends that I don't see on a daily basis that come from other parts of the US. Yes, I'm talking about my bros at VCC.

Just to give you a quick history, VCC is a group of people who met via a game called Phantasy Star Universe. We eventually grew to be a really large group of players who loved playing together. Eventually, a friend named Siertes bought a Ventrilo server and we all got on it. If you don't know what Vent is, it's basically a program that allows for you to host a server where people can talk to each other. Think fancy chat room with the ability to talk to everyone via microphone or via text chat. And it's crazy that we still use this same Ventrilo server after all these years. While we quit PSU and moved onto other games and things, we still get on the server every day and just hang out talking to each other. We only got like, 2 new people this year, but they both became part of the family. It's funny that something like this works, most people assume Vent is just for WoW/MMOS, but we're living proof that it isn't. These are some people I would do anything for if it's within my power to do it.

Anyways, every year we attend this expo as a group. This year we got guys to fly in from the east coast too. I almost didn't get to attend, but I pulled a couple strings and made it happen. I also had luck on my side as one of the guy had an extra pass and gave it to me. But I ended up getting there a day later. I missed Daisuke Ishiwatari's Q&A, which was what I was REALLY looking forward to. Anyways, it was probably the funnest AX to date just because of the guys. I hadn't seen most of them in person for a year and also finally got to meet the east coasters in person.

AX itself was more enjoyable for me because I had some money this time around. I ended up buying like 3 figurines and a bunch of food and drinks. The main events were decent, I'm still really fond of AX07 though. AX Idol was a blast, had this crazy ass serious guy win the voice acting part and we kept cheering for some person we didn't know for the singing competition. Famima! (aka FAMIRY MART =w=) was a damn godsend, it saved our lives and made for awesome snacks and lunches.

That night we all stayed up and had a very sincere and honest talk amongst ourselves. We found out things about each other that we didn't know and got a lot closer because of this night.

The only complaint I have is that it kind of just felt different, event wise. The staff was kind of unorganized and it felt like they themselves didn't know the answers to some questions. A lot of the con goers seemed so stuck up and serious. Jeez, did they need to lighten the fuck up. Every year we go we're always loud, rowdy, and disorderly but people always laugh and even jump into the lulz. But it seemed everyone had something up their ass this year. AX Idol and the AMV Contest weren't held in the Nokia Theater this year either, which just took away from that experience.

AX2010 is still a ways off, I'm not sure if I'm going this year though. A lot of the VCCers were kind of displeased about it, and without them it wouldn't really be the same to me. Who knows, it's still months before AX2010 and I might change my mind and go anyways. I don't want to break the tradition ;3

Also, this fucking video... Zer0, you fucking bastard. FAAAAAAKE BLOOOOOOD. And yeah, I'm the Mexican with the beanie in all those photos. I miss my hair ;_; And fuck, I need to get new glasses, they make me look so geeky.

Relationship, Love Life & Interests
I had one girlfriend this year, that relationship lasted a bit over 6 months, but it should have been a lot shorter. People would often tell me "Man, how do you put up with it?" and even I didn't know. I really underestimate the amount of patience, loyalty, and devotion I can dish out when it comes to loving a girl I guess.

Anyways, I had confessed to this girl after knowing her for like... 5 years. She was touched, but she had just come out of a really bad relationship. That much was understandable, so I decided to wait until she felt she was ready. 2-3 months pass by and we kept getting closer and closer to each other. We ended up working together at the Renaissance Fair at the same booth. It was going great. That is, until I started finding out more about her ex and that he was also working there. That guy by the way has to be the most self-centered person I have ever met. Dumb as a rock too lol. Anyways, even though they were broken up (his call), he still kept her around his finger like a ring. He would always say stupid shit like "I love that girl" and try to hold her and what not. It disgusted me that he was doing this shit and also because she let him get away with it. The guy had been so selfish and neglectful of her, always taking advantage of her however he could do it. Eventually I started trying to make her open her eyes to his insane amounts of stupidity, but she still couldn't see it. It's kind of retarded that some other person just says "That guy is such a prick, why do you hang out with him?" and that convinces her, but not when I gave her a fair warning about him. The worst part? She was indecisive about getting with me because of having feelings for him still. REALLY? I should have known at that point things would end in disaster.

So shit goes down, they argued one day like crazy and I decided to step the fuck in. I demolished him, humiliated him, everything. He gave up way too easily and stopped arguing with her because of it. When I left, he started complaining to her about me double teaming him. Fucking idiot. Same day he got shot in the eye with a tennis ball and left the stage like a little bitch. Comes back the next week saying the doctor told him it was a pretty bad hit. A few days later I get hit in the eye myself. It stung like a bitch, but after 2-3 minutes I was fine. He got pissed. And fired.

After that ordeal began the real turmoil. You see, my ex was a really bad liar, extremely clingy (to the point where it was uncomfortable EVEN FOR ME, who doesn't mind clingy girlfriends at all), self-destructive, lacked way too much self-confidence, and very pessimistic. It seemed the closer I got to her the more of all of the above seemed to happen. I put up with way too much drama and guilt, guilt that shouldn't have been mine. She would always lie to me about stuff, take artwork of others and claim it as her own, and keep me in the dark about everything. It was ALWAYS making me double guess everything she said.

I have this crazy awesome... "skill," I call it my gut instinct. You see, this nasty feeling in my ab area starts flaring up whenever I feel something wrong or out of place is happening. The neat part about it is that it's always right about something being wrong. But yeah, this was always going off whenever I would talk to her over the phone. Not a very good sign at all.

She did a bunch of whack shit too, stuff I don't really care to mention except for a few. She was ALWAYS fishing for compliments, even after I gave her compliments on something. Usually, I find girls being a little dense to be a cute thing, but not with her. She was always dense on purpose and it frustrated the hell out of me that I couldn't say anything without her pretending she didn't know for the sake of trying to get some form of complimenting from me. She would also get mad at me out of the blue for no reason, come back and not even apologize for it. She sometimes called me at really bad hours (like 4 AM) to tell me she just had a nightmare. I'd listen, console her, tell it would be fine. Then she would say that I didn't care and hang up on me because I sounded tired. Go figure.

After a while, it seemed all she wanted was sex. I couldn't exactly deliver on that end, the timing was always bad when she wanted it. The walls in my house are made of paper, and there was always someone home. So one day I knew I would be able to give her a nice evening. I ended up cooking us a dinner, doing a bunch of other crap that she would have found romantic, etc. All for her. You know what she did? She didn't even bother showing up. All that food was wasted, all the preparation was a wasted effort. And the worst part? She got mad at me. What the flying fuck. Sorry that I was going to give you romantic evening.

I remember too when I was seriously being threatened to get thrown out of my house and I was just looking for someone to hear me out about my problems. I thought I'd be able to rely on her, but instead she says I complain too much. Seriously? I don't complain often, and especially about something this fucking huge and I got that kind of reply? What the fuck man. I was scared I was going to end up on the street and instead of trying to at least be supportive she ends up saying that. She didn't even apologize after saying she "might have been upset." Thanks for letting me know that.

I eventually got a feeling she was cheating on me. She was getting home late all the time, getting calls from someone whom she would refuse to tell me who, stuff like that. One day she linked me to an RP forum that she was taking part of, no big deal. Except there was a tiny chat box on the side and there was some guy saying lovey dovey shit to her. The worst part was that she was responding back. And it wasn't RP either. So I did a little undercover infiltration, signed up as a member and asked if they were dating. Guy says yeah. A couple of days later I slam this on her face, Phoenix Wright style. Oh man was her reaction AWESOME. I provided tons of undeniable proof and she was STILL trying to lie to me. Eventually I just didn't care about holding back and just broke up with her. I had never been so happy to be single. Sure, she had cheated on me, but you have to understand that I had stood up for myself. I was proud that I could do it without being a wuss about it.

So enough about that, even now I'm still single. I've kind of taken a form of appreciation for it. Feels good to have time for myself.

I've only had a crush on one girl since then. I had forgotten what it felt like to be so... shy and clumsy around a girl. I forgot how it felt to have my heart jump, how it felt to be so nervous, how it felt to not think straight because of them, to daydream about them (because my last relationship lacked all of that). It's been... years, actually. I couldn't get her out of my head, everything reminded me of her. I haven't taken it beyond a crush because I don't really know how she would feel about it, considering I had only just started talking to her at greater length for not too long. Even if we hit it off well, there's just so much against me in regards to making a possible love connection with her unless she is willing. If the chance ever presented itself though I wouldn't be afraid to take my chances. I don't exactly have my eyes set on her just yet due to the circumstances, but there's nothing wrong with me having these feelings for her. Even if it develops into an unrequited love, I've come to know that it'd just be the way it would be. I'm just a little impressed that I started feeling this way about her so quickly though, that has to be a damn record. I felt like some creepy stalker for that though, haha. Maybe she's just that amazing. No, she is amazing for sure. I guess if I ever do confess my feelings (which would have to develop a bit more) and get rejected, I would still feel something for her. If I ever came to love her after this, I guess I could just turn that love into deep admiration and gratitude. I'm fine with her just being a friend, though I do wish I could talk to her more. If she ever became my waifu though, I think she could be the one. I haven't connected that well with any other girl. No, I take that back. I haven't connected that well with ANYONE before. To lose this one would be one hell of a shame. I was going to leave this bit out, but I figured it's ambiguous enough that even if she read it I'd doubt she would think it's her. But if she found out... <____<;

Personal Outlook
Personally, I have seen lots of growth in myself this year. I have grown much more confident about who I am, I've learned to stick up for my own self, I have learned to just love the person that I am. I have come to understand why people say I am humble, devoted, patient, and a loving friend.

With lots of time to think about who I am, I've learned about my habits and what not. I know now why I stay in my room often. Well, besides the fact that I hate my family heh. It's the way I manage stress. If I couldn't have this time to be alone to myself, I would have gone insane long ago. I grew up with a really stressful childhood. Tons of pressure, not from just my parents, but also from my teachers and all my relatives. No one ever cared about what I wanted to do, they only cared about what they wanted me to do. I've kind of just pent up that stress for years. It's not like it's a very controlling factor unless I stop having time to myself. Then my pent up stress just keeps growing. So as long as I stay away from retardedness, I'll be a-okay. So basically, shutting myself in for months at the start of the year was just me trying to deal with the stress. It's pretty interesting when I think about it heh.

My confidence, while not quite there yet, is getting better. I still don't like coming off as self-centered or selfish and conceited. I have to find the balance of where I can come off as self-confident, but not to the point where people think I have a giant e-peen.

I'm still really lazy, and I procrastinate too much. It's not that much of a problem, but it can be somewhat of a hassle sometimes. Sometimes it makes me feel like I'm irresponsible.

I refined my outlook on life. "Be happy, be sincere, be you." Working like a charm so far, I haven't run into a situation yet where I felt this would compromise my happiness.

Random Shiznit
Hm, I don't quite remember what I was going to put in here.

For some reason I started worrying about my health later into the year. I didn't do much about it at first, but I have given up on buying soda. This means that I'll only drink it if, let's say, I'm at a party, or something like that. Adjusting my diet will be harder, I can't cook for shit :(

I'm lost a lot of power in my voice. I used to be able to yell, growl, etc. loudly as fuck but I just can't do it anymore without my voice hurting shortly after. I also noticed that if I talk for more than 2 hours straight, I lose my voice. Shit sucks, but that's what I get for not talking much at the beginning of the year >_>

I found out I'm a really compulsive person only when it comes to buying things. Not bad now, but I'll have to watch out for that whenever I get my own place.

I slap hos with Pop Tarts. LIVING THE DREAM.

I bawww'd at a lot of anime this year. Yes I'm a little bitch ;(

I got drunk this year!

Experienced snow for the first time in my life. Also the first meteor shower that actually looked like a meteor shower.

Uh, can't think of anything else. Yes, I failed this section.

Goals & Desires for 2010
I definitely want to move out of the house. Even if it means living with a roommate or something, I just need to get away. Whether that means moving somewhere close by or out of state, I don't quite know yet. I just know that in order for me to be able to fully enjoy life I need to get away from here.

Getting a second job will have to happen for that to happen, and also to get a car. I still want my Scion damnit!

Getting healthier and in shape. I'm already getting a bit more visibly in shape since I started working at FedEx, so I'm not too worried about this. I'm getting a gym subscription soon too.

I want to go back to college. I've been out for over a year and I miss it. I never thought I would say it, but I do miss it a lot. I get all nostalgic every time I remember something about college. I'm probably going to go into the medical program and try to become a registered nurse, we'll see how that goes.

Make MOAR friends!

Get back into playing guitar, I miss learning stuff and jamming out.

Get a girlfriend. Well, this one is more like "if it happens, it happens." Though if I do see an opportunity, I'm not going to be afraid to take the chance :D

End of 2009
With the end of this decade only 30 minutes away, I gotta say I've learned a lot this year. Seems like I keep learning so much about myself and the world around me with the passing of each year. I don't know what 2010 will hold for me in all aspects, but I am looking forward to learning and living it. Again, thanks if you've spent your time reading this, I truly appreciate it ;3 ♥

This shit took me 6 hours to finish. Jesus titty slapping Christ. =_=

Labels: 2009, Reflecting